allyship journey roadmap
True allyship (now becoming known as accompliceship) is the practice by members of advantaged groups using their power and position to advance societal change and secure social justice, inclusion, and human rights for members of historically marginalized groups.
Many begin this journey as an “ally” for one specific marginalized group or another, but turn into true accomplices once their advocacy becomes:
intersectional (addressing systems of oppression at the root, instead of the surface-level where only relatively privileged members of the marginalized group will benefit, for example white cisgender women, or white male veterans, etc.)
self-reconciled (seeing my own past and present complicity, all day every day and not just in a single context such as work or at school)
collective (deeply known recognition of how my advantaged identities form their own cages, and how my liberation is tied up in yours—I'm not "helping," I'm fighting for our collective liberation)
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We all move through phases in our journeys to become true accomplices. This roadmap serves as a high level, simplified view of a typical journey; everyone is different and some things will resonate while others don't. The purpose of this resource is to serve individuals as a motivating guide on "what to expect" on this journey, and to serve activists and practitioners as a tool for engaging and moving members of advantaged groups (while also holding themselves accountable).
The phases are listed in order, and color coded according to impact. Red (phases 1-2) and yellow (phases 3-5) both indicate a net negative impact on positive societal change, while green (phases 6-∞) indicates a net positive one. We generally cycle between the red phases before we move into the yellow ones, cycle between yellow before moving into green, and cycle within the green phases throughout our lives as our knowledge and experiences expand.
Each phase is described using: a prevailing attitude; primary priority; common feelings and behaviors; a recommendation on where to focus energy in order to reach the next phase; and watch outs. We often have little awareness about our true attitudes and priorities—this roadmap can help build self awareness and resilience to improve our impact.
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Attitude: Ambivalent
Priority: Mind my own business
Feelings and behaviors: Ignorance, indifference, not thinking about the experiences of the "other" (people belonging to marginalized groups I don't belong to) at all
Where to focus energy: No energy to focus at this phase
Consider: You may not be at this phase for certain marginalized groups, but are you here for other ones? Take a moment to ask yourself and be honest, without self-shaming, about whether you feel this way about any of these groups: people with disabilities, veterans, people in poverty and unhoused people, lesbian/gay people, fat people, elderly people, Black people, Indigenous people, Latine people, East Asian people, South Asian people, trans & nonbinary people, bisexual / pansexual / demisexual people, Muslims or members of other persecuted religious groups, people with mental health conditions...(can you think of others?)
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Henry has made a new friend, Mel, on the construction site where he's working. Everything is fine until Henry sees a confederate flag bumper sticker on Mel's truck. Henry suddenly feels the weight of being the only Black person on an all White construction site, in a rural and overwhelmingly White region. "What's with the sticker?" Henry asks tentatively. Mel looks a little confused, and replies, "Southern pride—I'm a proud Alabama boy through and through." "But what does the flag mean?" Henry presses. Mel looks a bit embarrassed. "Uh, not sure specifically, it's just a way of saying you're from the South and proud of it." Mel is in the ignorant bliss stage when it comes to the experiences of being Black in the United States.
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Attitude: Annoyed
Priority: Justify minding my own business
Feelings and behaviors: awareness that claims of systemic inequality exist; thinking "I don't care" or "I treat everyone the same"; may fall back on the golden rule, "Just treat others the way you want to be treated"
Where to focus energy: No energy to focus at this phase
Consider: When have I felt this way? Which groups do I still feel this way about? Note: we are often triggered into Phase 2 by a news event or other mainstream topic of conversation
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Jamie has never felt like a boy, and at the age of 15 has realized she's trans. Her parents support her and celebrate her as she tries out new looks for her hair and style, but aunt Margot just won't stop calling Jamie "he." Every time Jamie or her parents correct Margot, she gets annoyed and responds, "I'm not playing along with whatever game this is, just let me mind my business." Margot is at the irritation phase when it comes to trans identity—she doesn't understand it and has no desire to.
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Attitude: Fearful, uncomfortable, anxious
Priority: Feel informed
Feelings and behaviors: awareness that claims of systemic inequality are accurate; beginning to read and investigate these topics on our own; being silent on these topics, or saying, "Just tell me what you want me to do" whenever they come up
Where to focus energy: We are now putting energy into this! It's best to focus it on learning: listen to podcasts, follow voices online, watch films and shows, and read content, all created by members of the marginalized group(s); amplify the voices and perspectives of those speaking from personal experience
Watch out for: Only learning about oppression and feeling overwhelmed; balance your learning with the rich history of joy in marginalized communities, and recognize how the absence of these stories in your education has affected your beliefs
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Miguel is shaken after the overturning of Roe v. Wade and the emotional outpourings of women he's seeing online and at work. He used to feel like women had it easy compared to men, especially women who don't experience racism like he does. Now, seeing doctors' hands tied as women in need of life-saving abortions might die or become permanently disabled, he's revisiting all of his views and feeling completely overwhelmed. He wants the women in his life to know he's on their side but he doesn't know what to say, and when they express their distress to him, all he can think is, "I don't know what to do. What do you want me to do?"
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Attitude: Pitying
Priority: Be perceived as “one of the good ones”
Feelings and behaviors: being vocal for the first time; may begin “calling out” other people and perhaps judging them too harshly; defending intent instead of understanding impact
Where to focus energy: Reflection and unlearning. This is a pivotal moment—this is when we stop looking outward for all the answers and start the journey inward. For example, if you're a cisgender man: what have you learned about gender through that experience? What have you been told it means to “be a man”? How have these constructs harmed you and others? Most importantly: How do you continue to uphold these constructs in the way you communicate, work, and live your life? Another example, if you're white: what have you learned about race through that experience? What messages have you absorbed about what it means to be white? How have these constructs harmed you and those around you, and how do you continue to uphold them? This piece and this site may be helpful in this deconstruction of race—this reflection work will continue throughout the rest of the phases.
Watch out for: Centering myself and my feelings; putting others off with a holier-than-thou attitude and dissuading them from learning or becoming allies
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Amir and Jean are at work on Monday, talking about the happy hour that happened the previous Friday with some coworkers they weren't as close to. Amir brings up a story Bob told about encountering someone with Tourette's syndrome. "As the only disabled person in the room, it was just really surreal to experience everyone laughing at his impersonation." Jean immediately defends herself, saying, "I didn't even know what he was talking about. Obviously if it was ableist I don't support that, but it was a loud bar, I can't be expected to notice things like that, I just laughed along with everyone else." Amir is hurt by this response more than he was by the joke—he's confiding in Jean because he thought she'd sympathize, given she has otherwise spoken like an ally. Now he's not sure her allyship is real. Later, Jean reflects on this interaction and realizes that Amir wasn't trying to accuse her of anything, he was just trying to share his experience. She realizes defending her intent prevented her from hearing about the impact. She apologizes to Amir and thanks him for sharing with her, promising she won't react in a self-centered way in the future.
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Attitude: Paternal
Priority: Be “a good person”
Feelings and behaviors: avoiding showing vulnerability, for instance not sharing personal thoughts, questions, and feelings; focus is on the balance of playing it safe and not appearing ignorant; very careful with words; avoiding identity-related conversations unless we feel like the most informed person there (i.e. prefer to be “the wokest person in the room”)
Where to focus energy: Humility. Continue the internal work and interrogation, noticing all the ways everything from our behaviors to our thought patterns can be upholding oppressive systems and ideas. Reflect on our interactions and judgments of others, and look for where they could be rooted in bias. Nurture self-love and an implicit sense of worth that will make it easier to let go of any need for external validation.
Watch out for: Savior attitude: paternalism will make us feel like we are the privileged godsend who will “save” marginalized communities, but from whom? At this stage we usually don't realize we're still part of the problem. Also watch out for performing - this phase is the last one before we actually become helpful; becoming helpful requires honest and unflinching interrogation of our motives. We must be able to acknowledge any self-serving social performance in order shed those impulses and turn to collective care and impact. Such impulses may look like “I must post something on social media.” Why? Is it to spread needed awareness on an issue, or is it just self-branding as a “good person”?
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Casey, hoping to shed light for the other White women in the room who know less than she does, asks Deepti, one of two women of color in the White Fragility book club: “What do we need to start doing in the workplace to be better allies?” Deepti, finally speaking plainly after holding her tongue for most of the book club, responds by addressing the whole group: ”When will White people stop asking us to solve their racism for them? We don’t know why you do what you do—we just know that we can’t trust White women at work and they won't come through for us.”
As Deepti and the other group members continue, Casey feels her face turning hot. She's on the verge of tears (but she read the chapter on White Woman's Tears so she‘s holding them back). She feels angry at Deepti—Why did she twist my words and make me out to be the bad guy? Doesn’t she see I’m trying to help? I chose my words so carefully—this is so unfair.Because she’s focused on herself, Casey completely misses the opportunity to learn from what Deepti is saying, and lacks the humility to excavate the underlying bias in her question. She is in the over-confidence phase.
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Attitude: Sympathy
Priority: Be a part of the solution
Feelings and behaviors: seizing opportunities to meaningfully diversify circles of friends and colleagues; feeling proud, empowered, and optimistic about disrupting systems of oppression; seeing how all forms of oppression are interrelated and starting to understand the larger system that perpetuates them; living by the platinum rule: treating others the way they want to be treated; “who I am as a person” is integrated with “who I am as an ally” and allyship is no longer something being turned on or off depending on the moment
Where to focus energy: Show, don't tell. This phase is called "optimism" because we finally feel like we "get it" and we're excited to move everyone else to where we are. We forget that our own journey required work and introspection, and that no one moves very far just be being told what to think or do. The best way to make an impact is through action: advocate on behalf of marginalized colleagues when they aren't in the room; point out biases in company processes and offer solutions; champion diverse and integrated classrooms in your children's schools; point out when you catch yourself being biased and withdraw your biased comment; etc.
Watch out for: Oversimplifying complex issues or feeling like we're “done”; believing we are free of bias. In truth, the real work—the kind that makes an impact—has only just begun. If we‘re mindful, we are able to bring our biases into conscious awareness without judgment and gain control over them. But we are never free of bias.
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Sandra is amused by her old friend Jack's excited tirade about gender and sexism. He is spot on about bodily autonomy, rape culture, and most notably, his own acculturation and complicity as a man. “We grow up thinking of women as objects. That's how we're taught, to acquire a 'good' woman as a prize. Even if we think we love women, so many of us don't, and our violence and condescension shows that.”
“But it's so liberating,” he continues, “to be free of the confines of patriarchal masculinity that shamed me for not being ‘man enough,’ and to have close friendships with people of all genders that enrich my life. I'm so excited for our guy friends to experience this liberation too.”
Sandra is happy for Jack, but she’s not going to hold her breath to see all their guy friends come around to his way of thinking any time soon. She still remembers pointing out sexism and challenging Jack’s views years ago, when her words seemed to go in one ear and right out the other. She knows this change requires a level of internal motivation that Jack just can’t instill in the other guys on his own, even though right now he believes it should be as easy as a couple conversations.
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Attitude: Empathy (shared rage, frustration, helplessness)
Priority: Complete personal shift in priorities; letting go, sacrificing ideals and material gains we once aspired to as we embrace a new vision of a “good life”
Feelings and behaviors: awakening to the true size and scope of the system, and its implications for the future; overwhelm, a sense that these realities might be intractable and insurmountable; awareness of the time-scale of a single life and what may never come to pass in my lifetime; feels impossible to ever be doing enough; eagerly embracing uncomfortable or delicate identity-based conversations
Where to focus energy: Impact. No one can change everything but everyone can change something. If every person managed to just change themselves we'd live in a completely different world. Take responsibility where you have control, capitalize on opportunities where you have influence, and come to terms with the things you simply must accept.
Watch out for: Burn out. Overwhelming ourselves the first time we reach this phase can derail us entirely, leading us to miss out on all the rewards we reap in Dedication.
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Sara made it to the Optimism phase less than a year before George Floyd was killed in 2020. She was shocked by the amount of outrage and publicity, given how little media attention similar killings had received for years. She became newly invigorated, earnestly activating her network of other white women at a moment she felt would validate her optimistic expectations and finally deliver major social and legislative change. But people dropped out of her book club before it even started, and she watched, devastated, as the many activists she followed on social media lamented the performative outrage of white people they‘d seen before, with no change to show for it. Through this experience, Sara entered the awakening phase, and had to completely recalibrate her expectations and vision of near-term possibilities in order to remain committed to social justice.
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Attitude: Commitment
Priority: Leverage my advantages to build a better world for all
Feelings and behaviors: able to see how I will be personally liberated and fulfilled if all oppression is eradicated; enjoying the spiritual fulfillment that comes from living authentically and seeing the interconnected being of all things; a harmonious integration between personal life, worldview, beliefs, and behavior across all settings: work, home, among friends, etc.; able to talk about these issues in my own words, through my own experiences and learnings; always thinking in terms of impact rather than intent, unbothered when our intent is missed and happy to apologize and thank others for call outs; taking different approaches in different contexts, being always mindful of the best way to make impact rather than taking a one-size-fits-all approach
Where to focus energy: Staying open minded and continuing to expand awareness
Watch out for: Thinking learning is over. And remember: Optimism may be triggered again by external events, which will require the recalibration through Awakening and rebalancing into Dedication.
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Maribel is happy. Yes, women's rights are being eroded; yes, climate chaos is in full swing; yes, she doesn't know what the future holds for her children, one of whom is nonbinary and the other autistic. And, she is completely whole and happy. She has faced the realities of her circumstance head on, and accepted all that cannot be changed. She loves the way her two children constantly expand her world with their unique ways of thinking and expressing themselves. She enjoys celebrating them and teaching them the skills to be resilient critical thinkers, ready to tackle whatever unforeseeable challenges await them. She lives out her values in every corner of her life: At work, she strategically pulls the levers she can to challenge biases that favor people with unearned advantages. At home, she shows her family and friends unconditional love and encouragement toward expressing their full selves. When she is a witness or bystander to injustice, she gets in the middle, aligning herself in all situations with whoever holds the least amount of power and sacrificing her own power where it's collectively beneficial to do so. She is always in the present, and feelings of shame, guilt, and fear feel like distant memories.
